I’m a planner. I don't just like to know what's ahead, I have to know what's ahead. I love certainty, and the sense of perceived control planning allows.
At this stage in my life, my planning obsession has helped me find a lot of success personally and professionally. But also at this stage in my life, my planning obsession is becoming a hindrance to my personal and professional growth.
As a goal oriented planner, I’ve spent a lot of time researching and studying "the path" to becoming a published author/making a career as an author. Understandably, nothing is fool proof, but my takeaway for what would work best for me is:
1) Have a (perfect) portfolio across what I want to write
2) Use said portfolio to find a career focused partnership with an agent
3) Continue to write, write, write no matter what
Just like our life journey, our creative journey bends and curves, carving new paths for us as we go.
I crafted a plan for how I would accomplish the three steps above, and then it was time to get to work.
I wasn't on a particular timeline at first, but as other things in my life started to become more uncertain, I desperately needed certainty in some aspect of my life to feel like I had control over what was ahead. So, I started doubling down on all of my writing, pushing and pushing to do as much as possible (like switching from project to project multiple times a week to keep momentum, cramming any bit of “free” time with something writing related, overcommitting to webinars and workshops, and setting unrealistic and arbitrary deadlines). I lived in a constant state of judging and examining my portfolio, always thinking about it's agent readiness with an eye on the calendar like it was a ticking bomb.
Because let’s be honest, time often feels like a ticking bomb when it comes to creative goals. Especially as we get older.
I got to the point where I “ran” my creative work like I did my full time job work. Rather than approaching my writing as a creative outlet, it turned into something that needed to be planned and obsessed over, pushing hard, and never allowing myself a break.
When creating becomes more business than joy, there's a problem.
And that problem was me. I was putting so much pressure on myself to make this writing dream happen now. Partly because it helped me manage the anxiety I felt over other uncertainties in my life, but also because I wanted it so bad. But the thing is, holding my dream in a vice didn’t allow for any alternatives. It didn’t allow for spontaneous discovery. It didn’t allow for a possible, unanticipated, wondrous journey that could exceed my wildest dreams. My planning obsession allowed for only one path to becoming a career author. And as a result, there was no joy. No creative energy. No writing.
One day, deep in self reflection on why I was putting so much pressure on myself, it dawned on me: there is no expectation that any of my work will ever be published, or ever turn into a career, or will ever be anything more than something I do for myself.
And that revelation was wildly freeing.
Which leads me to doing something I rarely have been able to do: I’m throwing my plans away.
I'm not forcing the stories I have now to become part of my portfolio just because they fit a plan. I'm not pushing to query agents by an arbitrary XYZ date. I'm not forcing myself to switch from project to project every other day because it fits the schedule I think I need to keep.
I’m making a conscious decision to allow my writing journey to progress naturally instead of trying to force it into a box.
I have no idea when I'll be ready to query. I have no idea if any of the stories I'm working on now will be stories that get published. I have no idea if my dream of being a career author will ever come true.
What I do know is that if I want any part of that dream to happen, I need to be flexible. I need to accept that I don't know how the path ahead looks. I need to accept that so much of it is out of my control. And I need to focus on the one thing I can control:
Writing.
So here's to embracing the curves and the bends on this writing journey. Here's to not seeing those curves and bends coming. Here’s to not trying to control them. Here's to allowing the path to be unexpected. And here's to embracing wherever the path may lead.
Because no matter where the path takes me, only one thing will ever be certain: my unwavering love for writing.
